Serene

The kids are hitting each other with the spoilt house phones, banging them against each other resulting in occasional screaming and whining. Zachary screams and laughs in hysterics and screeching at the top of his voice. The Scientist is playing in the background. Zachary keeps coming forth beside me while im sitting cross-legged on the mattress to tell me how Nicholina has been hitting him on the head with the phone not knowing that I had already observed that he hit her first. Both of them chasing each other around in the room while I keep the anger within to prevent myself from screaming at them and shoo-ing them out of my room.

Kids.

The mum is sitting outside alone, eating her dinner that she had already served to the kids at around 8pm. The laundry had been replaced in the washing machine and washed over 5 times today. Thinking about how much my mum had to work to put me in a decent school made me flare up and scream at the kids, not knowing they have done, they look at me. Begin Again plays. No. I'm not in the best of moods. And yes, I do have a lot on my mind. Who else have I told? I told everyone but the person who could make the change. I asked everyone but the only person who needs to hear it form me the most.

It hurts.

It hurts to have happiness in the room as I feel like the floor should just swallow me whole.

"Do you think of me?"

What do you want me to say?

As Im pouring my heart out, tears pour as well. And the laughter still continues in the room. I can't do this. No one knows how guilty I feel. As much as I want to tell them.

If I tell my mum, she'd probably say "see I told you so". Then go on to try to solve things for me? I don't need solutions at this point. Solutions can only come form within. Otherwise, it wouldn't be genuine. I wouldn't want to tell WanPing anymore because she's probably tired of listening to all of it. And nah, I dont want to lose another friend because I'm overly annoying.

I can't stop crying when I start. No one in the seminar knew how much I felt like tearing my heart out. I guess that's a good thing. When you seem so happy all the time no one really knows how bad you feel inside. It's helps them ease the awkwardness when you say "nah its okay" after you release all of it out in words but you so badly just want to bawl your eyes out and hope it helps.

I'm a mess. That's all there is to this.

I dont know what Im doing in the school. I dont know if I can stay with you. And I dont even know how many friends I will have at the end of my life journey.

What have I accomplished? Nothing.

I am just a nobody.